Wednesday, December 16, 2009

REASONABLE OLDER WOMAN

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID:



"44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND

WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A

HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.



NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA

SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT

YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."



MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.



SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Monday, December 7, 2009

When A Woman Lies

When a woman lies


One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.






"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.



"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.





"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.




Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.





"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.



Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,


All Us Women

Sunday, November 22, 2009

2010 Computer Upgrades






2010 Computer Upgrades

UPS AIRLINE

UPS airlines
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.




By the way, UPS is the only major carrier that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes your breath smells like shit

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Chicken Riddle

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To get to the other side
Why did the rooster cross the road ?
To cockadoodle dooo something
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road ?
To prove he wasn't chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
To get to the other slide
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the shell station
Why did the horse cross the road ?
Because the chicken needed a day off
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !
Why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
Because it was stuck to the chicken !

Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It wanted to get to the other site !
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
What does an alarm cluck say ?
"Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo !"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do chickens work ?
Around the cluck !
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To prove to the possum that it could be done !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ?
Because it ran out of cluck !
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To go to the moooooovies !
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo cluck !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
Why don't chickens like people ?
They beat eggs !
Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !
What do chickens grow on ?
Eggplants !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because talk is cheep !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She lays hand gren-eggs !

What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
She laid a sidewalk !
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Pastors Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Next Survivor Series

The NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework,
and complete science projects, cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.


During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Joey's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Population 300 million

The population of this country is 300 million.





160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.




There are 85 million in school.





Which leaves 55 million to do the work.




Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.





2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.





At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.




And there you are,




Sitting on your ass,





At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice .. Real nice.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Confucius Says:

Sometimes life isn't FAIR.................
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Blonde Logic!

Two Blondes living in
Oklahoma were sitting on a bench........
and one blonde says to the other,
"which do you think is farther away.....
Florida or the moon?"
the other blonde turns and says
"helloooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida......??????"

Thursday, July 30, 2009

TOP TEN INDICATORS

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is
"an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with
little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick
and Duct Tape.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A WOMANS POEM


HE DIDN'T LIKE THE CASSEROLE

AND HE DIDN'T LIKE MY CAKE,

HE SAID MY BISCUITS WERE TO HARD

NOT LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO MAKE.

I DIDN'T PERK THE COFFEE RIGHT

HE DIDN'T LIKE THE STEW,

I DIDN'T MEND HIS SOCKS

THE WAY HIS MOTHER USED TO DO.


I PONDERED FOR AN ANSWER

I WAS LOOKING FOR A CLUE.

THEN I TURNED AND

SMACKED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.....


LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO!!!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The First Day Of School

The first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces,except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"Again, Chandrasekhar said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.And as the class gathered around the teacher slumped on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American taxpayers, during the 2009 bailouts."

What Will It Be?


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Newest Squido Lens

Its been a long time coming but here it is: http://www.squidoo.com/openathriftstore

Sunday, June 14, 2009

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman...
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'