Humor Via Email

REASONABLE OLDER WOMAN

2009-12-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID:

"44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND

WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A

HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA

SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT

YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

When A Woman Lies

2009-12-07T19:03:00.000-05:00

When a woman lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

2010 Computer Upgrades

2009-11-22T14:51:00.002-05:00

2010 Computer Upgrades

UPS AIRLINE

2009-11-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

UPS airlines
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major carrier that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

2009-11-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes your breath smells like shit

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

Chicken Riddle

2009-11-09T16:29:00.001-05:00

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To get to the other side
Why did the rooster cross the road ?
To cockadoodle dooo something
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road ?
To prove he wasn't chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
To get to the other slide
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the shell station
Why did the horse cross the road ?
Because the chicken needed a day off
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !
Why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
Because it was stuck to the chicken !

Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It wanted to get to the other site !
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
What does an alarm cluck say ?
"Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo !"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do chickens work ?
Around the cluck !
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To prove to the possum that it could be done !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ?
Because it ran out of cluck !
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To go to the moooooovies !
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo cluck !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
Why don't chickens like people ?
They beat eggs !
Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !
What do chickens grow on ?
Eggplants !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because talk is cheep !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She lays hand gren-eggs !

What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
She laid a sidewalk !
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !

The Pastors Ass

2009-10-07T20:13:00.000-04:00

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Next Survivor Series

2009-09-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

The NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework,
and complete science projects, cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

Joey's Confession

2009-09-14T20:41:00.000-04:00

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Childhood

2009-09-11T12:56:00.001-04:00

Population 300 million

2009-09-10T21:03:00.001-04:00

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice .. Real nice.

How to Tell When Bananas Go Bad

2009-08-26T16:22:00.002-04:00

THIS IS WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A BAD BANANA!!

Confucius Says:

2009-08-11T19:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life isn't FAIR.................
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Blonde Logic!

2009-08-04T13:03:00.002-04:00

Two Blondes living in
Oklahoma were sitting on a bench........
and one blonde says to the other,
"which do you think is farther away.....
Florida or the moon?"
the other blonde turns and says
"helloooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida......??????"

TOP TEN INDICATORS

2009-07-30T20:54:00.001-04:00

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is
"an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with
little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick
and Duct Tape.

A WOMANS POEM

2009-07-26T00:00:00.003-04:00

HE DIDN'T LIKE THE CASSEROLE

AND HE DIDN'T LIKE MY CAKE,

HE SAID MY BISCUITS WERE TO HARD

NOT LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO MAKE.

I DIDN'T PERK THE COFFEE RIGHT

HE DIDN'T LIKE THE STEW,

I DIDN'T MEND HIS SOCKS

THE WAY HIS MOTHER USED TO DO.

I PONDERED FOR AN ANSWER

I WAS LOOKING FOR A CLUE.

THEN I TURNED AND

SMACKED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.....

LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO!!!

The First Day Of School

2009-07-05T20:30:00.003-04:00

The first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces,except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"Again, Chandrasekhar said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.And as the class gathered around the teacher slumped on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American taxpayers, during the 2009 bailouts."

What Will It Be?

2009-07-05T20:27:00.003-04:00

My Newest Squido Lens

2009-06-17T22:32:00.000-04:00

Its been a long time coming but here it is: http://www.squidoo.com/openathriftstore

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

2009-06-14T19:56:00.000-04:00

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman...
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Grandma Still Drives

2009-06-12T14:14:00.004-04:00

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him telling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord For such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Divorce Letter and Response

2009-06-10T18:42:00.002-04:00

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've Been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you Quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, Had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk Boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching All of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or Anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating On me or you don't love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

'Best Response to a Divorce Letter'

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true You and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far Cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant Whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut la St week, but the 1st thing That came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother Raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't Comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me Confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence That my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and Bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My Lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from Me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was Born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

STINKY

2009-06-07T20:26:00.003-04:00

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN SOMEONE HAS A STINKY BUTT

Read this When you need to feel smart!!!

2009-06-04T17:21:00.001-04:00

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, Vice President,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."--Dan Quayle,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record"--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

REVENGE

2009-05-24T19:48:00.003-04:00

REVENGE IS SWEET!!!!!!

A JOLLY GOOD RECOVERY!!!!

GOLF FOR BEGINNERS

Bubbas Resume

2009-05-15T21:57:00.004-04:00

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,

Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well.

Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba:

It's OK Honey.

We've got spell check.

See you Monday.

CELIBACY

2009-05-15T21:53:00.001-04:00

Celibacy ~
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men: 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Ray leaned over,
touched Charlotte's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Ray's life of celibacy...

Mens Restroom Mural

2009-04-25T21:39:00.002-04:00

Edge Designs is an all-woman run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.The client was a company that was also run by all women execs.............The result.........well.....we all know that men never talk, never look at each other....and never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place.But now...with the addition of one mural on the wall......lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.

Women Drivers

2009-03-13T17:22:00.002-04:00

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to the left and there was

a Woman In a brand New Cadillac.

Doing 75 MPH

With her face up next to the rear view Mirror

putting on her eye liner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds!

And when I looked back she was half way over into my lane, still working on her makeup.

As a MAN I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,

which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knee against

the steering wheel, It knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell, into my coffee

cup between my legs. It splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone

and soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Mount Rushmoore: Whats Behind It all?

2009-03-09T16:55:00.002-04:00

Have You Ever been to Mount Rushmore and wondered whats behind it all? Well on a visit one day
We went behind it to see what it was like. Took this Photo and now you know whats behind it!
LOL!!! ;)

To All Suriviors

2009-02-16T21:21:00.002-05:00

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside, playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill , only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have PlayStation's, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or Cd's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms..
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10Th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers problem solvers and inventors problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornado's, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Duct Tape Use #317

2009-02-09T15:45:00.003-05:00

DUCT TAPE USE #317

I have to tell you that I have NEVER seen a BETTER use for duct tape in my life!

Makes you want to require EVERYONE to carry a roll for emergencies.

NFL Quarterbacks

2009-02-01T21:20:00.002-05:00

Why NFL Quarterbacks Need Short Last Names!!!

Generation Y

2009-01-28T15:26:00.001-05:00

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself.

Now I know.

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1964.

- Generation X, people born between 1965 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.
Why do we call the last one generation Y?

I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...

Learned something new today!

Save The Airlines!

2009-01-20T16:47:00.001-05:00

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell,
they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'
going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start
flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving
even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the
women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including
lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see
record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to
turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Speeding Ticket

2009-01-18T09:04:00.002-05:00

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one..

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies If you want to brighten some one's day, pass this on to someone you know I just did!

We Is Friends

2009-01-17T19:27:00.002-05:00

Bacon Grease Warning

2009-01-17T19:18:00.001-05:00

BACON GREASE
There is nothing better to fry eggs, popcorn, seasoned beans, or seasoned cornbread. But I didn't know this can happen!
IF YOU HAVE EVER INGESTED BACON GREASE IN ANY FORM...

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!
Bacon Grease warningThe question is: Do you use bacon grease? We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
I just threw out my last 2 tbsp of bacon grease!! This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.

Bacon grease will make your feet shrink Warn everyone !!

Humor Via Email: Breaking News

2009-01-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

Humor Via Email: Breaking News

Holy E-mail

2009-01-17T19:11:00.002-05:00

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God,
'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said,
'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Breaking News

2009-01-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

:: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!

Winter Sucks

2009-01-17T16:11:00.000-05:00

A Redneck Couple

2009-01-17T16:08:00.001-05:00